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15 October 2010 @ 04:06 am
I don't think I get it. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong.

Like...should I kill myself? Maybe I just don't get what they're aiming for with calling me out (the dirty 'ginger slag' that I am!) and adding me to the lulz of the WWS-ED article. Should I be full of shame, remorse, regret? Should I hate myself? Hate the game? (oops, lost the game), throw myself into the fryer at work?

All in all, I giggled at lot. It's amazing what someone has time to do! I appreciate that of all the things in my life that possibly could have been used to bring about the lulz and shame, the fact that I'm comfortable relating at all to the furry lifestyle, love my job, and am losing a fuckton of weight, that's not too bad.

huuuuuuge hints of who this is.
13 October 2010 @ 04:53 pm
I dont know what it is really, but I'm feeling so melancholy the last few days / weeks.

With my roleplaying, I'm sort of just...REALLY tired getting stuck in the same rut. I know I've whined about it for the past million years, but I end up getting the shaft I feel nine times out of ten.

It's not like I get mad at anyone for things, I know life gets busy, people grow up to different things, it changes, I just...I dunno. I feel weird being the one inevitably left behind I guess. It happened I don't know how many times with Fatin before she died, and then Song before she died, and I worry about how long I've played Salene and how much of her family is now gone.
12 September 2010 @ 05:21 am
You know I'm not that great of an artist, there are sometimes when I'm proud of what I do and others when I try something different and I might not love it 100% but I still give it my all.

I posted up that avatar on September 10, 2010 - 1:26am and they already got one of those puffball things on September 12, 2010 - 1:15am...barely 48 hours later. It's really discouraging, even if they aren't that great compared to other artists.

I don't want to add rules and shit to my little studio, but I'd like it if at least common courtesy was used.
10 September 2010 @ 12:25 pm
I've been thinking a lot, mostly at Tim's expense, about relationships and my own issues. I told him I wanted a relationship and someone to love but that I didn't trust anyone. I can't. I don't even like to be touched really and for me to accept any physical contact with anyone is a big deal. I do it for the ones closest to me, but I feel like a monster because there's a server at work and I *constantly* turn him down for silly things like high fives and handshakes. I just...I need a barrier. I need to give myself all the space and protection I can muster up because otherwise I'm going to lose it again. :/

It's disappointing every time that I think I've 'fixed' myself another problem pops up and I start back over. Eventually I'm going to run out of super glue to piece myself back together with. I sort of feel like that right now. After David's assault I made the physical barriers. With Ryan, I can't trust anything I'm told. It's like the world is out to get me when rationally I know that's simply not right. But why oh why can't I actually believe that?? Why do I assume the worst of everyone?

There are some people that I can be open with and that I trust. Tim keeps making me look at things in a different way and I know he's doing it for my own best but I get so frustrated mostly with myself. I keep using the same excuses and reasons for the ways that I think and follow it right with 'I know it's wrong / stupid / bad' if I sit here and recognize the errors in my behavior, why can't I fix them?

I also worry about dating....especially dating here. There's a large amount of potential but I simply refuse to get involved because I have no plans to stay here. I'm moving to the East Coast the moment that it is possible for me and I don't want to hurt someone that way. I lost Gordon to distance and I hate that fact. I still lament him because he was good and pure. He was my first in a lot of aspects, aside from actually giving him my virginity he had everything else that made me up first. I worry that when I leave, it's going to leave behind someone and that's unfair to them.

I consider sometimes trying to find a partner already in that area, but then...that's a long time to longingly stare at a computer screen or text or call and not get to see them and hold them. I've done it before and I could do it again, but do I want to? Not ideally. It's not something I'd ask of anyone either. 'Hey, how 'bout you pack your entire life up and leave your friends and family so I'll be with mine? :D :D :D ' no, that's cruel.

I'm just melancholy. I can't wait till June...but it's so damn far away and that kills me. What I wouldn't give to curl up downstairs with a blanket and some hot chocolate and just chill with a Mimi at my feet and my friends sitting next to me. I realize that the length between these trips makes them all the more meaningful and powerful, but I'm greedy and I want *now*.

It's also nine days from what would have been my wedding day and that also makes me grumbly. I'd like to pretend that this is the reason for my mood but I know the following week I'll be just as contemplative.
04 September 2010 @ 06:22 pm
I have breathing room again...omg, so nice.

I feel so much better......just...like I FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Lily will be paid of next paycheck, the IRS is off my back, and I can breathe.

Looking for hotels / goodies to prep for AC, and FINALLY getting to see my Jassface! and Koby and Autie!!

I love my friends, I really do, but dammit why do they have to be so far away?????
19 August 2010 @ 07:18 pm
So...a lot has happened recently but I started using Twitter and I'm lazy and updating too many places is hard for me because I'm also retarded. it's difficult being me.

Work is going well.

My manager today went AWOL and left me the floor to run. It's Thursday, it's busy as hell, and I kicked ass. I rocked it out. We were smooth, we were good, and it flowed well. The other potential shift lead ran the back and the kitchen got backed up. HAH.

I sat down to eat, Mario came over and said how much I kicked ass. That's exactly how he put it to. 'You kicked ass today, you were on fire!' and I just....it's so amazing to HEAR it.

Our Regional Matt showed up and they sat down for a good hour and then dispersed, I was hanging out to work my schedule out for Shift Lead training and he comes over and tells me that he's hearing great things about my management style and he's impressed with every report he gets of me. He says he's proud of me and that I'm proving him right and as Mario's first shift lead to go through training, I'm doing him good.

Mario and I sit down to work my schedule out, 4 shifts of 10 hours a piece and then fucking FOUR DAYS OFF. WTF?!?! I'm like....say 'whaaaaaaaaaat!?' amazing. Exciting too. 40 hours a week, timez 4 weeks, 160 hours, times 9 an hour (saying I don't get another damn dime and stay at my small pay rate), 1440$ a month. Let's say I keep 80% of that after taxes and all that jazz, 1152$. That's another 350$ a month. I could cry from just...happy and relief.

I feel so good right now, so at peace with the world.

OH, and it gets better!!!

Mario says in 4 weeks I'll be done with this training. It's going to be easy for me he says. He says I'm golden. What he wants after is for me to wait a month or two, get really comfortable, and then start MIT training. He wants me to be his first trained manager. That's how much he feels about me and my career here, he wants to put his name on me and say 'This is MY manager. I trained her, she's mine, and I'm sending her into this company to kick some ass.'

After the way today started, I really needed this. I hope it keeps up!
03 August 2010 @ 10:00 pm
Why is it that this particular character can't have a single.fucking.thread. that doesn't involve somehow falling for some dude?????

for realz. That's beyond stupid.
28 July 2010 @ 08:00 pm
I had a 50/50 shot at getting it right when I guessed who was the giant e-bully that would show the WWS the errors of it's ways!!!

I LOL'd.

Well, thats a lie. I fucking tee-heed because it was such a *facepalm* sort of moment.

I'll never understand people. Seriously, I just give up trying to. You're going to be an idiot because that's the image you like to make for yourself and that's fine by me, whatev, no skin of my hide and all.

Also, writing up something within the next few days that I've got a feeling will make some people unhappy.

Uh, I lav yew guys???
20 July 2010 @ 01:45 am
It will never cease to amaze me the way that people are so quick to cut each other / the game down.


I'm not responding to the survey. As one of the few people around who knows just how much goes into running that game and playing it, on both ends separately and simultaneously, people can pretty much be summed up as dicks. If I try to respond to things, I'm going to get up on my bitchy soapbox and choke some bitches Wayne Brady style. It will not be pretty. So I will not participate.

I'm sort of...ignoring it.

I am also totally concerned with how I can manage to evade our thread KJ. Salene and Saeran are pushing dangerously close to a cliff ma'am lol.

Time to start skillfully backpedaling! OR memory repressing?!? dun dun daaaaaaaa!
19 July 2010 @ 07:12 pm
In general in the roleplaying world, when a family member of yours dies would you prefer to be told before hand or find out as it happens? I know with Song, most of her family was a shocker to her / me, and it's made me extremely mad most of the time (well, I can actually only remember Harmony, but I was super raging with that entire affair so maybe it counts for extra people?)

What's your thoughts on that?